Friday, March 6, 2009

Moment of Clarity

I'm pretty sure I won't be able to sleep until I get this off my chest. I also think all the caffeine kinda did me in too. But that is besides the point. I usually hate not being able to fall asleep, because I tend to get really down on myself and really critical. But tonight, I didn't. I made a bunch of promises, that I am really hoping to stick to. And they're not for anyone else, but me. A lot of times I plan to do things for the wrong reason. But I think I'm doing these for the right ones.

A lot of this stuff is kinda hard to admit, but I wanna be honest this time. I'm not gonna be mean, and be childish and get angry and try to seem better than what I am. I'm not gonna pussy-foot around what I've dealt with, and pretend to be so much cooler than I am. Right now, I know what I am, who I am.

I think this whole thing has really started since this year of college. I had a pretty good year. Despite my Nana dying, I found some friendships I thought would last a while. Two good friends at college, and one really great one at home. I was really excited for the summer. And I couldn't really ask for much more out of the summer, to be honest. I got to spend it with the people I enjoyed the most.

And then this year. I don't know, I felt something was different. I had been feeling apart from my two friends at college for a bit, like they had replaced me with someone else. And my normal instinct is to back away. At that time, I was dealing with a ton of stuff. After my Nana died, my mom was hard to deal with. Not in the sense she was mean, it was just she was going through a lot, and I knew my dad didn't like to deal with death. It was kinda up to me to be more mature than I was and put my feelings behind and push forward. It was hard not to focus on depressing things; I'm a person who has always dealt with depression, I think. I mean, I joke it's almost a rite of passage for my family. I've been dealing with depression since 9th grade, and I'm gonna guess I've had small bouts with it before. I kinda put it back to being the youngest of five, and having all four siblings suddenly leave to college and such. You have this loss of identity and a feeling of abondonment. From elementary school to middle school, you could see I was a completely different person.

But that's kinda off topic. Going to University Park, the idea is that in the third year, you get an apartment. I don't know, when I thought I had two close friends I'd stay with. I was pretty wrong. I didn't even know what I fell into. I mean, one summer you're staying at each other's houses and going to concerts together, and the next, you see each other once a week, and it's really pressured. Who wants to be in that? I felt like I had been outgrown. I'm a person who tries really hard in friendships, and maybe I try too hard. I don't know. But I saw a quick desolve when I was told no one wanted to get an apartment with me because I was too "pessimistic." This description of me has probably angered me every week since hearing that. I don't know if that was the best way to describe it, maybe it was. I don't know. I'm not the person who said it. And I can't even really ask them. I haven't had more than maybe two conversations with that person since that.

Suddenly, I went from having a stable and solid friendship to nothing. And I didn't really mind that. I mean, I enjoy being alone in my room, goofing off on the computer. But I don't know, every so often, you really get the feeling that you're missing out on something. I missed going over to other people's rooms and being able to talk. I mean, Jesus, I listened when people had nowhere else to go. I remember when my one friend couldn't stand her mother. I listened completely, because that's what friends do. I didn't ask of anything in return. I really never got the same from that person in return. Maybe that was an inclination that our friendship wasn't too equal.

What I'm getting at here, is that I really haven't healed from that. I've lost a lot of friends over the years, many I called my best friend. But you know, most slowly waned. But this one, it just died. I can't even fake a smile when I see those people in the hallway. To me, it isn't worth it. I mean, I have a class with the one girl. Have we spoken one word to each other since class has started? No. That's sad. I mean, I could sit here all night and vent about how dumbass those people are and this end of the friendship. I see them in my suite, and I think that's what saddens me most. When I can see them in the mirror as I'm washing my hands and they don't even bother to say hi. What the fuck, really.

But onto what I really wanted to get out. For a while, I've been just going, yeah, I'm happy being alone in my room. I mean, yes, that's nice, but it's not all I want. I've been in a rut. And I think the first inclination of me getting out of my rut is finally getting an idea of a novel to write. I'm hopefully finally gonna do it. Not to be published, whatever, but to get this story that has been plagueing my mind for two years down on paper. It's dark, it's gruesome, it's funny, it's everything I want. And I'm excited when I think about it.

I finally want to do things for myself. Not to prove to someone that I'm better off without them. Because well, I am. And I certainly don't need to prove that to them. I can't wait to have this spring break and just get everything to start fresh. Start working on the guitar, get my hair done, start being healthier, everything. I'm not doing it so that I can fit into something. I'm doing it because it's my next natural step. I want to evolve. I'm ready to get over this stupid friendship. I've been bitter about it too long. Who cares? Those people certainly don't. They've moved on, and why shouldn't I?

It's nice when you have this moment where everything fits. I spent a half hour earlier online reading twitter updates from Mitchel Musso's possible girlfriend who tried out for Camp Rock 2, when I realized, why do I care? This girl is annoying. Why am I bothering? It's not going to get me anywhere. I can idolize the actors and actresses and singers that I do idolize all I want. I know I'll never be more than a fan to them. But I'm okay with that. I'm sick of thinking about how I want to be with Joe Jonas and shove it in people's faces. I've spent too much time being bitter and waiting to get revenge and make people mad about what they did to me. I'm done. I want to live for what I have: I want to write, I want to sing and play instruments, I want to go to concerts, I want to be with people who enjoy my presence. I want to take care of a style website I love. That's me. That's always been me. And maybe I've been trying to be someone else, I don't know. But I'm gonna embrace myself this time around. I'm gonna do the stuff that I know that may seem like I'm trying to fit into a standard today, or trying to be cool, but trust me, it's for me. I dont like where I am right now; I feel that I'm finally beginning to understand that maybe I've kept my heads in the clouds too much and gotten too hard on myself because I can't live up to those dreams. I think I clinged to that friendship that hurt so much because it was a sense of normalcy in college life. That's what's supposed to happen. You find your closest friends in college. While I found mine during my college years, they certainly don't go to my college. And they're not normal. They're like me: quiet, yet crazy, sometimes down on themselves, but really, are amazing people, fun, energetic, and they make me smile. I like to be the one they call their best friend. Because I know we're both going in equal. I love being there for them, just like they're there for me. And they're gonna be the ones who comment on this post and say that they love me.

It's nice that it's finally becoming clear.

8 comments:

enjoy! said...

Well Written!

Natalie Michelle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Natalie Michelle said...

First off, well written! I can kind of relate to what you wrote. I've dealt with depression and anxiety too for years. As time goes on you get better at dealing with it. I'm sorry about your nana and friends.

Sam said...

basically i love you alot. :)
and this blog was amazing and i can't imagine how hard it was to get this down on paper. okay fine on the internet form of paper lol. but you did. i'm so proud of you, and i'll help you capture those dreams :)
loveeeeeeeeeeee youuuuuuuuuuuuu B :)

Erica said...

you always loose high school friends when you go to college and it can be trying finding new ones. hell i found my best friends through other friends and at the bar of all places. i don't talk to anyone from college or high school really except on an acquaintance level. so it won't always be like this, it does get better. but i think are family is doomed to only have a few close friends.

The Drowsy Observer said...

I love you, you know that. and did you know this week is procrastination week? just fun fact.

Spring break is going to be awesome! two words: Jason Segel and Paul Rudd. Ok so that more like five, but i was thinking too people. Whatevs. You had me at Jason Segel. and that is two words.

Oh and I have a guitar pick with your name on it. Well actually it has M. ward's name on it, but you get the idea.

paria-when you get diarrhea in paris.

bellippe-it's like philllip but for girls who are pretty.

Anonymous said...

I have had this problem before. You're on the right track. But what I had to realize is that the problem started with me...not the people I blamed for ending friendships. Maybe you should look to yourself first.

Kim said...

<3 you Ali.