Hahahahahahahaha I don't post.

I stopped posting. Can you tell? Aw, you guys don't know what's going on in my life. Boo. Hahahaha oh well, I know you all are stalking me on everything else. ;)

A Reflection

I am writing a poem. Good for me. And not on my poem blog. Because it's like, a whim thing. Maybe I'll blog a bit later.

I got bent, I got broken
I got stepped on and squashed
You just didn't know it
Back and forth, up and down
Who are we kidding?
Is this even what it was anymore?

I am the biggest hypocrite in the world.

A mass of contradictions, if you will. What I'm just having issues with is what I read and think about getting into my main conscience and making it change my thoughts on certain things.

I just spent like 20 minutes reading anonymous gossip about Demi Lovato. How she drinks, smokes, and has sex with people and all that shit. And for some reason, I was like, Aw, Demi, how could you? But then, I think, oh wait...I drink on occassion. And smoke....well....certain things every so often. Maybe that two year difference really is so intense.

But then I was thinking about my conversion about music with Selena. fucking selena. grrr...


But whatever. I always read the shit about Jac Vanek, and scene queens. The kinda annoy me. I mean, I really hate when they are so connected with John Lennon and the Beatles. I am so fucking protective of the Beatles(and Alice) that like, it is a privilege if I still like you if you like Alice or the Beatles. Fucking Jac wants to name her firstborn Lennon(among other things...Holden, Sirius, etc). And I went, fucking scene queen bitch!

But she probably is a nice person. And I enjoy her "trainwreck" bracelet. Because I'm a speeding trainwreck in slowmotion(patenting that shit, because I like the way it sounds). And I kinda want it. Do I get it? Hmmm....

Really, I have issues with wondering what people will think of me. On the internet nonetheless. None of my real friends give a flying fuck who Jac Vanek is, or "scene" or any of this shit. Yet it bothers me. hmmm.....

I have issues with being accepted. No duh. I really need to get over "scene" shit and not liking it because it's scene. I've decided I need to live by the "if its cute, I 'll get it" no matter what other people think.

I also think there's a part of my who is jealous of the scene thing. God, I'd love to spend a summer off on a tour with my favorite bands, my favorite people, just fucking around, drinking, goofing off. Who the fuck wouldn't? I guess I am jealous. Oh well.


But I don't think I can forgive Jac for stealing the Lennon thing.







I have NO fucking clue where this blog was headed, or is there a direction to it AT ALL. But that's me, right?

Listen & Tell

Let's Get the Facts Straight:

I really can't stand Selena Gomez.
I still enjoy Alex Russo, and her fashion sense.
Selena really cannot sing.
Her "band" is not a band.
She can't write music. She cowrote one song.





BUT. Damn it all to hell, like 2/3 of her album is fucking catchy. I totally dig it, and hate myself for it. Pretty simple, i think.




Oh and if you wanna know more. I'm pathetic for making the title of this a pun on "Kiss & Tell." lame. i know.

I wanted to share

Photos from Full Moon Crazy Tour when Jonas came out.



Why hello there Joseph.

He's a pretty boy.

Unf unf unf. Jason and Kevin.

Aw, double pretty boys






And while I am convinced Nick did not want to be there AT ALL, I did capture him on three occassions smirking/smiling. Let's bask in it, shall we?

Superhuman Roommate

So instead of rushing to check headlines for the class I'm in, I figured I'd tell you about my roommate. Who I am CONVINCED is superhuman. Why you ask? She's the epitome of a disappearing act. Really. She is.

First off, I've noticed multiple times when she comes into the room, says hi, and eventually disappears. Whether it's a two second thing or two hours, eventually I'll look back, and she's not there. It baffles me. Without a sound, she is gone.

Then, today. A most strange and unusual occurrence. She was heading off to class, we said goodbye, I grabbed my keys and left not two seconds after her. She was gone. Not in the hall, not anywhere. I could've sworn I saw her in the bathroom mirror, but when I looked in there, she wasn't there. Then, as I headed to class, bam, there she is, walking right in front of me. She crosses me, without a look, not noticing. I could've run into her, but I didn't. She sped by. She has said she walks faster than most. Yep, that's my roommate. The superhuman, disappearing act. I'm POSITIVE.

Now, to go fail a quiz. Yay?

And the first week....over.

Thus ends my first week. Well, just of school. Tomorrow is Taylor Swift, and Sam comes to see me. SO excited. <2 hahahaha

Monday - No classes. After the weekend of intensity, I had another day off. It was nice. I'm gonna enjoy 3 day weekends all the time.

Tuesday - Three classes. Electronic media and Telecommunications. Should be interesting. Forum. 350 people. Haha, I enjoy being amongst a million people and not having to deal with maybe being called on.

Then, there's Literature to the Occult. Which seems really awesome. It's hilarious when I see someone from High School. I seriously wanted to start counting how many Hazleton-ites I saw. Some were like, whatever. But then I see one of my old friends without a second glance. Awesome, huh? Hope I don't have to deal with that shit this year.

Then, 2 hour break, which is perfect for naps. I love naps. They are just sooo fun.

Then, Mass Communcation Law. Which is interesting. I've always like law. To me, it's easy to understand. I don't know, it just is. Though a certain Hazleton-ite that I HATE is in that class. Must avoid him at all costs. I hoped to never see him again. He sits in the front row, so if I sit in the back, I should be good.

Wednesday - The day to catch up, and only radio broadcast at 4:40. Do not like that class. haha

Thursday - Same as Tuesday.

Friday - Freaking class out by the Penn Stater. But then I can see my brother or not.


My schedule SEEMS easy but let's factor in running two sites(http://demistylesource.com & http://swiftstyle.fansites.me) and I'll be working two jobs. This year is gonna be AWESOME.

No, actually I think it will. I don't have to deal with wishy washy friends. I've got my Sam two hours away, my Finnish Spitz a video chat away, Kim right across the courtyard & her crazy roommate to entertain me. I'm kinda loving life.


Oh and I'm obsessed with Buffy. Like, crazy obsessed. I used to love Angel, then he got a bit annoying, and now Spike is pretty badass. haha. GOOD TIMES.

New College (Sorta), New Room

And here we are. Year Three. Maybe my godfather will turn out to be a wrongfully accused serial killer, and I'll save him on a hippogriff. That would definitely be interesting. Anyways, this is le room 3.0. Last year was pretty damn good, so this year is a bit of a downgrade....haha

The full room. Nice, huh. It looks messy.

So this is the shower towel thing. I really don't know what the hell it is.
My closet! SOO messy. Shoes on the bottom. Shoes on the one shelf. Lots and lots of clothes. And the trunk on the top. That was really hard to get up there.
Bed and wall! Like the dots I added. Pretty, huh? and my bed! And Captain Fine! Mmmm....Happy birthday to him! And three hotties under the ultimate hottie. And the Beatles.
Corner of my room.
No Doubt, Miley, Bunny Suicide calendar, My sunglass rack. Yes, I made it. Its awesome. Oh and T. Swift is there.
My dresser. Bathroom stuff. And more dots. I enjoy them.
Other corner. Lots of posters.
My view. Awesome, huh?
But I can spy into other people's rooms.
Desk! Can you spot Buffy? hahaha
My bed. Messy again.
Roommate's side. haha

TYFYT

http://the-passengerseat.blogspot.com/

=D FOCUS, this time. :)

If Only I Was Julie Powell...

What a thing to be able to do. Have a focus for a year and complete a job. I'd love to do that, have a blog and write. Oh wait....I DO. Except mine has no focus, much like my life. I need a goal. But me and goals? Haha can you say...never gonna happen? I try to play guitar, nope. I try to...well, do anything and everything, and I never do. I really do want to write a blog on the real musings of my life, such as what I do, but I need a focus. And focus is not what I have. I think there is a reason my eyes have astigmatisms, they cannot focus, just like the rest of myself. Someone help. I NEED focus. Otherwise, I ramble. I recently sent a 6 text long(each about the size of seven texts) to my friend explaining how bad I felt.

FOCUS.

FOCUS.

FOCUS!!!!!!!!!!!


I'm gonna go find something to do. hahaha. There's my big focus.

This is the last summer of being a crazy Jonas Fan

I've accepted I'll never meet them. That is fine. Because, shit, they have some crazy fans.

Two days. Three concerts. A lot of screaming. And a lot of running. haha

So, I was running late on Thursday, as usual, because I wanted to straighten my hair. Which is just dumb because it was so disgusting by the end of the night. I had to shower the next day.And there went the straight hair.

Anyways, after almost getting lost(nay, we did) to Philly(I blame Bertha and my sister for that) we made it, and just kinda walked around. I don't even remember what we did. Hung around in the pavillion and was spotted by an old friend's mom. Can you say awkward? Her mom was always so adorable, so I didn't like be a bitch and not say anything. I did spot the old friend a few times and hid. I did not want that fucking awkwardness. Fuck no.

So, we go to the concert, and I had a floor seat, and Sam was on the whole other side. It was horrible. I kept texting her, and because of that(and that fact I didn't start charging my phone til basically a half hour before I left) my phone died. Everyone was screaming for DNW Jordin while I screamed for my phone. I made a few mentions of Demi trumping Jordin, which people around me heard. I was in the back of the floor. Like, last row, last seat. But I still loved it. I got foamed(all three boys have foamed me) and Joe's kinda stopped when he got to me(what is that saying?) and Kevin's went nuts when it angled at me. Idk, but I know they like to be on top. Haha.

So I was right near the one catwalk, which got me some kickass shots, especially cuz Joe was over there all the time. He took a poster for Garbo that said, "Garbo I'm peanut free!!" so adorbs. Then Garbo came around and gave the area a thumbs up. Nick never came over. I was so pissed. But eh well, he made up for it the next night.

after the concert, we met the Wonder Girls. Who I LOVE. They are just soooo cute! I mean, for real. That went quick so then we went into hyper drive and ran through the place and parking lot to get to our car only to wait in traffic. Boo. We made it to the TLA right before HS came on and we had pretty good spots despite the hands. omg, looove HS. Seriously. I wanted to meet them again, but I didn't have the money to preorder the album(now I do, but thats another story).

Then JB came out. I really didnt expect them to appear. I was just hoping for them to be at the balcony, but they actually came out. It was a crazy push forward. Someone lost their camera, which eventually wound up in between my feet. I went to grab it and almost panicked, cuz shit, I didnt know if I'd get back up. But I did. and it was fucking AWESOME. Oh my gosh.

So, next day. I got up early, yes, early. Boo earliness. We drove to Camden to see the Road Dogs play and were a bit of weirdos trying to meet the boys afterwards. Road Dogs game was fun to watch, but annoying because all the girls were fucking retarded. I now remember I had a dream about it last night. Ha.

Then we got lost again? I think. I don't remember. But we headed back. And then shit went down. Sam turned when it said no turns, and yeah, I've turned her into a bad person. It wouldnt be bad except we did that right in front of a cop. So we got pulled over. SO fun. NOT. We also apparently ran a red light, which made no sense. The whole thing made no sense. We couldnt go straight. I dont know, but this is the third time this has happened to me. Maybe I'm bad luck.
Oh well.

Anyways, we got to the venue and tried to win m&g for Honor Society. Fucking shit. I rocked out like no other. and still lost. WTF. I pulled out the Jolly Rancher, the Robot, what else? I mean, you had to do the Honor Roll, which I rock out thank you, and the people we were against had a built in audience. Fucking dad. I saw him and wanted to punch him. Sam momentarily lost it after that and wanted to meet Wow. Yeah, Idk. Creepy colorful boy band. yep, you know it, DNW.

Then we sat around, walked around, won some mirrors at Q102. Then concert time. She was 9 rows below me. So high. But so awesome. Sam came up for most of the time, and we danced. Since I wasn't so close, I could savor the concert more. Like, I could just dance and scream and have fun. Though I did get some amazing shots.

Black Keys/ALBL. I almost lost it. I teared. Soo beautiful. He told the story of his diabetes and it was sooo amazing. i twittered about it like crazy. Boy is amazing. Yep, true fact.

So, then I taped Much Better, which was soooo amazing to tape. Best part of the concert. So colorful, and so energetic, I mean, it recorded so nicely. Plus I got the jumps and flips.

We tried to get foamed. No luck. Fucking shit.

Then Joe "hit" Nick with a drumstick after Live To Party. At least, I think. I also think it was a ploy to get Nick to check his blood sugar. I mean, I'm sorry, yeah, you got hit, but I don't think it would take that long to get checked out. Apparently, Nick has been having issues with that, and the poster reading while he gets checked out is not uncommon. Poor boy. I think he was good then, and I didn't see Nick get hit, but I'm going with the sugar thing.

End of the concert. Sad. met Wonder Girls again. ADORBS!!!!! Ah, I love them. Me and Sam know the dance and I was gonna do the point thing in my picture but I was too busy telling them how awesome they are to remember! oh well. They remembered me. I love them. Yay for twice meeting them.

Then parking lot for like almost an hour. Watched crazy kids run around. Talked to my mom. Blasted Demi near the end. Then home, no getting lost, and we slept. Til this morning when we shopped. Good times. I'm Captain Fine'ing myself up soooo good. Gonna be AWESOME. haha.

Ok, wow, lengthy. lmao. oh well. peace!

Things I Learned From HP6

Midnight Showing, might I add:

~Anything in that movie can turn homoerotic. And hilarious. SOOO enjoyable. I have a sick mind.

~ I thoroughly do not enjoy things coming out of water. Fucking shit!!! It was terrifying. I was dying.

~ The people behind me were epic wins.

~ People booing New Moon are my new Bffs. I also enjoyed yelling "FAIL" when Bella cuts her finger. Oh and "FUG" at Taylor Lautner.

~ Fangirling for Jason Segel is soooo fun.

~FailJoe will always be Fail. Even if JGL and Gaila from ST are in it.

~I miss reading the books and am happy for my tattoo. <3

I Don't Even Know What To Title This

I really didn't. And I still don't know exactly where my place is in this whole discussion/argument that's going on. All I do know is I have realized the people that annoy me the most. People with such a high sense of entitlement, that they know all and can just say whatever and not give a fuck. Maybe it has to do with the fact that some people have higher self-esteems than others, but I think the worst is when someone, who is so clearly of a lower self-esteem puts themselves off as if they don't have an issue. That they are "intelligent" if they discuss the issues and psycho-analysis everything. Because, I'm sorry, but who are they to say anything about another person, and discuss that person's well-being when they themselves are so clearly problematic and seems to love to tell people that they are. Why do we need to know you have "a dark past?" I certainly don't. I tend to not talk about the skeletons in my closet unless needed. Because to me, when you think that you're better than the rest of the drunks and depressed because you say you are? That doesn't make you better. It makes you fucking ignorant and rude.

It's the people like "Perez Hilton" who think that they know all. It's even more hilarious when they hate on people for the same thing that they themselves are doing. Why do these people think they are so much better than themselves? When they clearly are not. Because they are lacking something inside that gives them their confidence. They hate on people and feel the need to tell everything because they need to feel that they are just that important to tell people these things. I don't really give a crap where you're from, what you've been through, and if you want to tell me those things, then fine. But at the right time. You are no better than I because you can tell people you've been through shit, so you can just sit down.

I know this is the age of technology, and voyeurism, but really, do we need to know every little detail about your relationship? You need to share that with the WORLD? Honestly, think about it. If you really only want to tell people you care about, talk to them on the phone. But they can't, because these people feel that the entire world needs to know about their issues.

And I know, I may seem like an intense hypocrite when I write this, especially where telling the world what they think, but I do not contest that I am not a hyporcrite. I am stupid in the fact I need to blog things, but these were my thoughts, and I wanted to share. This is a general based writing(though I do have certain people in mind when I write about this), and I am not claiming that my opinion is the end-all, be-all. Really, I don't think anyone is better than anyone else, and everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I think that certain people need to "get off their high horse." They may not realize it, but they are so desperate for approval and such, they need to put others down, to make themselves feel better. For example, I may say, I hate So-and-So because of these reasons, but is there a need for me to write a list of celebrities that don't deserve to be celebrities? Really? I find no point in that. Just because you wrote it, doesn't mean that someone is going to see it and go, "Shit, you know, Oprah is a bitch, take it all away, she doesn't deserve it." I personally hate Oprah, but she does a lot for people and I'll admit, worked her ass off to be where she is. She can deserve it as much as anyone else. I just don't like her attitude. That still doesn't mean she doesn't deserve all she'd gotten.

Again, I'm sounding hypocritical. I know I am. I write a lot of things, and I contradict myself constantly. But whatever. These were my thoughts on someone.

And as to the reason I do love to blog, is because I enjoy feedback. As in, I want to be a writer some day, and this can be practice.

Peace.




I don't exactly know why I wrote that.

Not working...sad face(I tried a spock hand...)

Fucking LEGEND.

I'm posting about Michael Jackson, and I don't give a fuck who cares. The world lost a music legend. Along the lines of Elvis Presley and John Lennon, he changed the face of music. Really. He was the King of Pop, and NO ONE can deny that.

I sadly never had a CD of his, but I simply always understood that Michael was amazing, and I always believed in him. I really did. To all those bitches who insult him and say what they can about the court stuff, Fuck off.

I mean, I truly believe this man was a broken soul. He never had a childhood, and has worked since the age of five. He simply wanted to be a child. And yes, he acted with little children like other little kids would, and he may be criticized for it, but I'm sorry, I don't believe he touched one of those kids. And I always believed that. I think that he was forced into so much so early by his father, and he had so many psychological problems because of it.

That being sad, I cried when I heard. His music is so well known, and he was an amazing dancer, and he had this amazing comeback coming. Goddamn it, I wish he could've done it. It's so tragic, and just...horrible.

Watching MTV and reminiscing. A true legend has been lost.

Whatever.

I'm pretty sure my life is just a "whatever" after another. haha I love not caring. And getting over things.


I also need to not read year old anger. lmao it still makes me mad.


I've turned nocturnal. Like as in, I should be sleeping.


I need a job. But I don't want one. And I don't think I'll have one. Is it possible to not shop all summer? I'm gonna try...=[


Whatever.

Oh How Things Change

So I was gonna write "Oh how the tables have turned" but it really didn't feel appropriate. Things have changed because as i drift away slowly from certain people and as they get closer to others, I find myself comforted by old friends. Some I never thought I'd talk to, some I've missed like crazy, and some I never thought I'd keep in contact with. And it's nice, you know? When you're stuck at home simply writing song after song about pain, its nice to be reminded that there are people that do miss you, and want to talk. Gosh, next thing I know all the people from college will suddenly be like, "OMG I've missed you!" Haha NOT. I'm glad I had no friends at college, because now I can just start over. :)

And who knows how this summer is gonna go.....I feel winds are changing that weren't supposed to change. OH WELL. I guess I have to let people live their lives, with or without me. I guess I'm stuck pretending I'm find, just fine. haha. Song idea? I think so.








And beeteedubs, I'm marrying the movie Speed Racer. Look out for our announcement. This movie is effing amazing.

Wanna know who else is Awesome?

Musso. Mitchel Musso.

Wah-BAM!
Radnom Shout Out babies.

100 Monkeys Sittin' on a Bed. 1 fell off &....Turned into a Vampire?

Feast your eyes on me and 4 of 100 Monkeys. :D One of which would be rocking a ZQGQMF hat(Zachary Quinto GQ Mother Fucker, for you non-cool people) hat, and is JACKSPER! Yes, I met Jacksper. Life is good.

RE: Fly With Me

So I'm the bruised princess
And you're the white knight
You fly in through my window
Just take your hand, so easy
But baby, it isn't

I'm paranoid, petrified
I've fallen before
I've got the scars to prove it
I don't think I can fly with you
I'm too terrified to fall

So I'm the broken butterfly
And you're the golden eagle
Close my eyes, we could soar
Just hold on tight, so easy
But baby, it isn't

I'm paranoid, petrified
I've fallen before
I've got the scars to prove it
I don't think I can fly with you
I'm too terrified to fall

When you look me in the eyes,
I'm caught off guard
There's everything we could be
But I can't take your hand
You're the cartoon of joy
Ready to whisk me at the window
But the drop's too high

I'm paranoid, petrified
I've fallen before
I've got the scars to prove it
I don't think I can fly with you
I'm too terrified to fall

So it's you and me right now
And it could be us forever
You're the strong shadow
I just take your hand, so easy
Breathe once, I'm ready to fly.

I Should Update....

But I dont know what to say. My life is turned into 140 character thoughts. Awesome.

Look at this, another post.

I felt everyone needed to know. I got to meet Honor Society. Amazingness all around. me and Michael Bruno eye-fucked for a bit, I'm gonna say. I got an amazing guitar pick from Jason Rosen. I met Micheael Bruno and Alex Noyes, and Andrew Lee, and Jason Rosen. Jason liked my skirt. Michael liked my glasses. Pretty sure that's why he picked me as the one to eye-fuck for a while. Okay, we eye-flirted. Whatever. It was an awesome moment. It was just an awesome day overall. Awkward moments at points. Lots of stares. I don't understand why people don't like to see crazy-outfits. Haters gonna hate.


I need sleep. Instead I watched the second episode of Jonas. Better than the first. I'm hooked. haha

I Could Totally Paint Faces, Right?

Come on, it's can't be THAT hard...right? I need a job this summer. PRONTO. Like, for realsies. And me and my sister painting faces? M-F, flexible hours. I could rock that shit. Of course, then I might lose out on my paleness. Oh no, then I'd stop dazzling!!! BOO. I love to dazzle, and not get leathery skin. Yep

I need to update this more. I'm lazy. I also tweet too much. I apparently tweet during the 9 o'clock hour the most. Eh, I don't know. I just know that tonight is ANTM and I'm one of the lucky bitches who doesn't have a lot of work. I have work. Just not a lot.

oh yeah, if anyone still does visit this, visit: http://demistylesource.com yep.

OH YEAH! and



Tiffany is awesome. She'd be awesomer if she went to Hershey on Sat. I just need a Demi tweet saying she's going. I'll legit die.

Oh and wanna count? That's two celeb tweets back. I feel very cool. Now, to just get Demi to notice my site. :)

Oh yeah, I'll update this more, k?

*Gasp* I'm Turning Into A Nick J Girl

It's getting hard to ignore. Especially after these candids.




Oh, let's see...

Plays Music
Loves Stevie Ray Vaughn and other guitar legends
Own a fucking Mustang
Has dark curly hair.

*drops*

He really is my perfect man. I've discovered this. And I'm a bit terrified of it.

An Open Letter to Prayers

Dear Prayers,


Oh. Em. Gee. You totally answered me!!!!!

THANKS!

Sincerely,

A Curly Haired lover.

One Year.

I don't really blog a lot anymore...my life gets a bit chaotic...and yeah, I'll try to do better.

I obviously had to blog today. A year ago, my Nana passed away. I remember a lot of this day. I remember Spanish class and doodling on my paper about getting Jonas tickets. I remember getting the call. I remember a friend being online saying, "Please God, let Ali get good tickets." To which I replied, "Tell him to take care of my Nana too." It was a horrible segue. But that's how I am. I remember crying more the next day when I couldn't get good Jonas seats. I remember bawling in July during A Little Bit Longer and missing her. I remember getting a text on my way to my uncle's for after-funeral services saying we got great seats to Jonas. I remember wearing yellow eyeshadow to the funeral, and it smeared off before the service started. I remember my mom fall apart. I remember thinking about the last time I had been at the funeral home. My sister was pregnant. She now had a year old son. I remember going with her the day before the funeral to see my Nana. So we wouldn't be shocked when we saw her the next day. I can't remember what my Nana looked like. I really can't remember her when she was really sick. I can remember the whole hospital room but not her. I remember thinking my Nana waited to see my brother, his future wife and daughter before passing away. I remember Sam stepping up to the plate and being the amazing friend she's always been. I remember my cryptic messages on facebook I wrote. I remember refusing to take off the picture of me and her at Christmas down. Everyone had pictures from Jonas. I kept hers up. I remember doing stupid stuff during the time she was in the hospital. I remember getting Webkinz for her and my niece. I took the code off my Nana's and made it online. I named it Nana. I remember being in the hospital when Heath Ledger died. I remember getting lottery tickets. I remember somehow functioning during school. I remember missing a lot of classes because of false alarms. I don't remember the last thing I said to her. I don't remember exactly when I last saw her. I think it was the Friday before. I remember being on the phone with my mom, and I was almost nonchalant when my roommate came in and I whispered, my grandmother died. And she gave me a hug. I remember smoking for the first time the night my Nana died.

I wasn't emotional when I started this. Now I am. It's hard to remember all those things.

RIP Nana. 8.26.27 - 3.24.08 I'll always miss you.

Year Anniversary!

This is a good anniversary....in a few days, it wont be...


Today is the year anniversary of seeing the Jonas Brothers in concert. What a glorious day. I remember it all sooo well....

Moment of Clarity

I'm pretty sure I won't be able to sleep until I get this off my chest. I also think all the caffeine kinda did me in too. But that is besides the point. I usually hate not being able to fall asleep, because I tend to get really down on myself and really critical. But tonight, I didn't. I made a bunch of promises, that I am really hoping to stick to. And they're not for anyone else, but me. A lot of times I plan to do things for the wrong reason. But I think I'm doing these for the right ones.

A lot of this stuff is kinda hard to admit, but I wanna be honest this time. I'm not gonna be mean, and be childish and get angry and try to seem better than what I am. I'm not gonna pussy-foot around what I've dealt with, and pretend to be so much cooler than I am. Right now, I know what I am, who I am.

I think this whole thing has really started since this year of college. I had a pretty good year. Despite my Nana dying, I found some friendships I thought would last a while. Two good friends at college, and one really great one at home. I was really excited for the summer. And I couldn't really ask for much more out of the summer, to be honest. I got to spend it with the people I enjoyed the most.

And then this year. I don't know, I felt something was different. I had been feeling apart from my two friends at college for a bit, like they had replaced me with someone else. And my normal instinct is to back away. At that time, I was dealing with a ton of stuff. After my Nana died, my mom was hard to deal with. Not in the sense she was mean, it was just she was going through a lot, and I knew my dad didn't like to deal with death. It was kinda up to me to be more mature than I was and put my feelings behind and push forward. It was hard not to focus on depressing things; I'm a person who has always dealt with depression, I think. I mean, I joke it's almost a rite of passage for my family. I've been dealing with depression since 9th grade, and I'm gonna guess I've had small bouts with it before. I kinda put it back to being the youngest of five, and having all four siblings suddenly leave to college and such. You have this loss of identity and a feeling of abondonment. From elementary school to middle school, you could see I was a completely different person.

But that's kinda off topic. Going to University Park, the idea is that in the third year, you get an apartment. I don't know, when I thought I had two close friends I'd stay with. I was pretty wrong. I didn't even know what I fell into. I mean, one summer you're staying at each other's houses and going to concerts together, and the next, you see each other once a week, and it's really pressured. Who wants to be in that? I felt like I had been outgrown. I'm a person who tries really hard in friendships, and maybe I try too hard. I don't know. But I saw a quick desolve when I was told no one wanted to get an apartment with me because I was too "pessimistic." This description of me has probably angered me every week since hearing that. I don't know if that was the best way to describe it, maybe it was. I don't know. I'm not the person who said it. And I can't even really ask them. I haven't had more than maybe two conversations with that person since that.

Suddenly, I went from having a stable and solid friendship to nothing. And I didn't really mind that. I mean, I enjoy being alone in my room, goofing off on the computer. But I don't know, every so often, you really get the feeling that you're missing out on something. I missed going over to other people's rooms and being able to talk. I mean, Jesus, I listened when people had nowhere else to go. I remember when my one friend couldn't stand her mother. I listened completely, because that's what friends do. I didn't ask of anything in return. I really never got the same from that person in return. Maybe that was an inclination that our friendship wasn't too equal.

What I'm getting at here, is that I really haven't healed from that. I've lost a lot of friends over the years, many I called my best friend. But you know, most slowly waned. But this one, it just died. I can't even fake a smile when I see those people in the hallway. To me, it isn't worth it. I mean, I have a class with the one girl. Have we spoken one word to each other since class has started? No. That's sad. I mean, I could sit here all night and vent about how dumbass those people are and this end of the friendship. I see them in my suite, and I think that's what saddens me most. When I can see them in the mirror as I'm washing my hands and they don't even bother to say hi. What the fuck, really.

But onto what I really wanted to get out. For a while, I've been just going, yeah, I'm happy being alone in my room. I mean, yes, that's nice, but it's not all I want. I've been in a rut. And I think the first inclination of me getting out of my rut is finally getting an idea of a novel to write. I'm hopefully finally gonna do it. Not to be published, whatever, but to get this story that has been plagueing my mind for two years down on paper. It's dark, it's gruesome, it's funny, it's everything I want. And I'm excited when I think about it.

I finally want to do things for myself. Not to prove to someone that I'm better off without them. Because well, I am. And I certainly don't need to prove that to them. I can't wait to have this spring break and just get everything to start fresh. Start working on the guitar, get my hair done, start being healthier, everything. I'm not doing it so that I can fit into something. I'm doing it because it's my next natural step. I want to evolve. I'm ready to get over this stupid friendship. I've been bitter about it too long. Who cares? Those people certainly don't. They've moved on, and why shouldn't I?

It's nice when you have this moment where everything fits. I spent a half hour earlier online reading twitter updates from Mitchel Musso's possible girlfriend who tried out for Camp Rock 2, when I realized, why do I care? This girl is annoying. Why am I bothering? It's not going to get me anywhere. I can idolize the actors and actresses and singers that I do idolize all I want. I know I'll never be more than a fan to them. But I'm okay with that. I'm sick of thinking about how I want to be with Joe Jonas and shove it in people's faces. I've spent too much time being bitter and waiting to get revenge and make people mad about what they did to me. I'm done. I want to live for what I have: I want to write, I want to sing and play instruments, I want to go to concerts, I want to be with people who enjoy my presence. I want to take care of a style website I love. That's me. That's always been me. And maybe I've been trying to be someone else, I don't know. But I'm gonna embrace myself this time around. I'm gonna do the stuff that I know that may seem like I'm trying to fit into a standard today, or trying to be cool, but trust me, it's for me. I dont like where I am right now; I feel that I'm finally beginning to understand that maybe I've kept my heads in the clouds too much and gotten too hard on myself because I can't live up to those dreams. I think I clinged to that friendship that hurt so much because it was a sense of normalcy in college life. That's what's supposed to happen. You find your closest friends in college. While I found mine during my college years, they certainly don't go to my college. And they're not normal. They're like me: quiet, yet crazy, sometimes down on themselves, but really, are amazing people, fun, energetic, and they make me smile. I like to be the one they call their best friend. Because I know we're both going in equal. I love being there for them, just like they're there for me. And they're gonna be the ones who comment on this post and say that they love me.

It's nice that it's finally becoming clear.

Nicholas Braun IS AWESOME

We bonded over bulldogs. =D

Must. Learn. Dance.

I swear, my parents don't know anything. They wondered what movie I saw. So I did the Jai Ho arm pump thing from the dance. They stared. it was awkward. But I will be learning the dance to Jai Ho. It's a promise. Because goddamnit, that movie was amazing. I hadn't felt so into a movie in so long. SOOOO glad I picked that over JB. It's kinda nice knowing they're losing steam. Yeah, that sounds mean, but hey, better shot at better seats, all that jazz. All the teenies should go on that Varsity Fanclub shit. Right? They're like NSYNC, and they're kinda new. I don't know.


I'm gonna go Twitter-twatter(because I'm cool like that) and watch Body of Lies. Russell Crowe scares me.

It's About Those Moments...

Oh look at me going all deep and stuff. But you know, after a while, you can't help but feel alone and you never really know who your close friends are. At least to me, I don't sometimes know. Sometimes I think, hmm, are we fading? And then there's this moment that it isn't even about you, but you feel low because the person closest to you is even lower. And all you want to do is be there for them and hug them and sit in the closest so no one will hear with them.

And that's when you know you're in it for the long haul.

I love you Sam. Know that. Forever. :)

No One Knows Me

Really, they don't.


I get this request on my facebook.






Um, fail one of the Andrew Potters I know.

Praise Juh-bee-buh-dus!

Yes, I'm sacreligious. And I really don't care.


All Saturday, I thought, how amazing would it be if the Jonas Brothers did a digital short? I mean, Andy Samberg and the Lonely Island are love, and then to add the Jonas Brothers? Oh how about I'd begin to believe in God.


As we all pretty much know, Andy has created the band of everlasting life, Property of the Queen/Jonas Brothers. I died. I screamed. First I screamed seeing Jonas on a couch for a digital short. Then I really screamed for Andy. How fucking epic. Seriously. The Lonely Island is a group of GODS. I really wish Jorma wasn't married. Seriously. I'll take any three. Andy first. Though my mom said that if I married him and had children, they would have pig noses. Come on, who says that? Still, me and Andy would have awesome pig nosed children.

Should I Get Them?

I'm soooo unsure....

So this is the reason....

Sometimes when you're really into something, and they've gotten huge, they've blown up, you begin to forget why you liked them. Oh, so you like the music, but you like a lot of music. Why are these people so much more important than the others? There isn't posters of every band or musician or actor you enjoyed; you'd never be able to keep up. Faith gets broken, it gets renewed, all that stuff. I've always been a person connected to music, to entertainment, to fame, to celebrities. People that are stronger than me to do things I dream of. And these loves come and go. Hanson was adorable and had catchy music. Orlando Bloom was just plain hot and was awesome in movies. The Beatles are basically forever.(I could write way too much on my devotion to them). But my most interesting and crazy I guess we can call it an obsession was the Jonas Brothers.

And I know the people who don't like the Jonas Brothers, they'll probably stop reading now. But this isn't just about them. It's about being into an artist and watching them evolve, but then you feel like they're gone. It's like a relationship, how I feel with some artists, especially the Jonas Brothers. My feelings towards them has written quite a many songs. I learned a lot about my love for music; that I don't just want to listen to it, I want to play it. Yes, I've been hindered and I procrastinate, but I cannot wait until the day I can play one of those songs and just feel amazing. It's a goal I will slowly work to. School work is right now; a guitar doesn't leave. I can work at it any time.

But I'm getting off topic. Which I usually do. A lot of times with a band that is so popular, and teenies love so much, you get annoyed. It no longer feels like yours. I don't claim to have liked them before the teenies began. But when I started liking them, I liked them for their music. The music hit me first; then their devotion to their music. Their personality came next. I could care less who was the hot one. Sure, it helped them, but it wasn't a big deal to me. I don't care much about looks. If you can make me feel a song, I love it.

Again, off topic. I definitely have those moments of annoyance with those brothers. More than I like them. I go, you know, they have all this fame, they simply try to hard to seem level headed. And I didn't want to see their movie. I was like, it's simply a ploy to get more money; whatever. I saw the real thing.

And then the Dave Letterman interview. He seems to always get the best interviews. I knew it would the best because Nick admitted something about Miley. And it made me feel like, it finally isn't bull. They're admitting faults, that's them. I watched the interview and wasn't some teenie going oh my gosh, they're so adorable! I went, oh man, dork moment, or ha. I was laughing hysterically. I could see they were being real and they were awkward.

That's when I realized. This was the reason. It was the little moments of reality and you realize, that there is a reason to liking them. Just because you can't meet them, you are just one in a million, it still felt good to call myself a fan.

When I say "lol".....

I'm not really laughing out loud.

Bat-Shit Crazy.

Oh did you mean "Octopussy?" Why yes, I went there. Fuck is she crazy. I mean seriously. 14 kids. FOURTEEN KIDS? Really, I hate people like this. Really. I hope she gets taken away. I mean, it's a horrible thing to say, but she's not gonna be able to take care of those kids. One has autism. And kids born under three pounds are 20-80% more likely to have cerebral palsy and other disabilities. I mean, fuck. It's fucking irresponsible!


Me and her, we're done professionally.

Nick told some amazing stories. hahaha. About how his Hello Beautiful pole wouldn’t go up

Oh I'm suuuurrrreeee it didn't.



See what I did there? Yep. I laughed for a solid five minutes at this comment. Dirty Minds ftw.

The Beatles. Who?

Pretty much the sentiment that my roommate has. WHAT THE FUCK! How can you not know who the Beatles are? They practically invented rock(aside from Elvis, Buddy Holly, and Rolling Stones...oh and the Animals) but they are the most influential artists out there! Songwriting was changed forever because of these guys. I mean, seriously. Just because you don't listen directly to them doesn't make that an excuse. I used to not like them(I know, blasphemy) but fuck. I was watching the Powerpuff Girls and knew they were mocking the Beatles in "The Beat-Alls."(FYI, I watched that lately, and shit, SOOO many more references than I thought.). Like, SHIT! This angers me. Not knowing who the Beatles are, it's like not knowing the first President. Though I seem to remember having to tell her who that is. Like, fuck. Learn some history, people. The Beatles should be taught to everyone. Even if you don't like them or listen to them, you have to know them!!!

Teenie Moment for...

.........Coldplay. For real. I was screaming, flailing, going absolute crazy. Because OH MY GOD they were fucking amazing! Ah, for real. They make me go nuts and die. My mom was like, how old is he? And we found out he's 31. My mom's pissed that I'm closer in age. When he breaks up with Gwyneth, I am SO there. I'd be a great stepmom. For real.


alkfjl;sdkjfl;asdkjflksdjfl;asdkfasdkl;fjl;jfasdklrfjnimcl; Coldplay.


That is my feeling towards them. LOOOOOOOVVVVVVEEEEEE.

Can't Wait

I can't wait to get the fuck out of Penn State Hazleton and find actual decent people. I've obviously met some nice people, but what pisses me the fuck off is that I've lost any person here that I really want to hang out with. I have my suitemate and my roommate, whoop de fucking doo. Really. I'm sooooo prepared to get the fuck out of here and meet people who I actually like and people that like me. I've been feeling weird lately, like I'm being constantly misunderstood, and it's all too true. Days like these make me feel like....well, I don't exactly know. Because whatever I say here will somehow get to some other person, and then people go, oh but I love you! I don't know. I'm feeling weird. Isn't college where you find your real friends? My REAL friends, the big three of them, aren't here. Everyone else is a fucktard that fucked me over. I'm sick of the people who you can call a best friend and really think you've got something that might last ages with, and then, they fuck you over. I'm sick of that. Gosh, what I'd wish to move to like Europe and start over....


Oh and if you think that you're the one being mentioned here, you probably are. Because if you asked me, then you aren't. Because the fucktards are the ones not talking to me. The decent people talk to me.

Ugh I hate frustration.

SEX!

Seriously though, ain't it? I really love it. lol. Damn it them. One minute they annoy the shit out of me, and the next minute, I'm mesmerized by this photo and listening to Eternity. Fuck them.

Concerts I Plan On Attending This Year/Summer

Here. We. GO!


Katy Perry
(I wish Lady Gaga too)
Honor Society
Franz Ferdinand
Taylor Swift
Demi Lovato
No Doubt and Paramore
Maybe Jonas
That's it........so far. ;)

The one fucking year!

Me and S had very premature, random plans to go to Florida to see the DC games in May. We thought it would be an awesome vaca.

Except....

THEY FUCKING CANCELED IT!!! Fucktards. For real. Goddammit.

How Am I Special?

By naming all the Duggars, and not looking it up.


Michelle
Jim-Bob
Josh
John-David
Jana
Jessa
Jinger
Justin
James
Jedidah
Jeremiah
Jill
(I had to mute the show so I could name the rest)
Jordyn-Grace
Jennifer
Josiah

How the fuck am I missing five????

Jackson!
Damn, they told me one: Johannah
Joy-Anna
FUCKKKKKKKKK........
Ten minutes later.....
I looked it up
Jason
Joseph

The two most obvious names. DAMN IT!


But I can name all the Gosselins!

Alexis
Kara
Maddy
.....

nevermind.

The Moonlight Frames You Like a Monet

Like that isn't referencing to sex. Ha. Honor Society. I enjoy. They have like, three songs, four interludes. One is amazing, one sounds like a boy band, and the other? I don't remember. But the interludes are amazing. I mean, interludes complete my life. They really do.

It's hard to judge a whole band on three songs. But I do like them because they actually talk about sex and stuff, unlike Jonas.

So i will be adventuring to Hershey for them. Fuck yes. :)

Alex Evans?

It creeps me out, this dude. Like, it's practically my name. WTF? I know people who have the same name as actors and stuff, but this is the closest. There goes me ever being famous and wanting to be called Alex. Of course, there is the black and white Michelle Williams. haha.

I'll See You At UPark...

So I really don't write on this as often as I should. Matching clothes really has taken over my free time, and I tend to not have much important stuff to say.

I realize that I most likely will be going to the Taylor Swift concert alone. Because SOMEONE's school starts the weekend after. sonofabitch. Dumb ass Elizabethtown. Well, hey, maybe if I go alone, I'll get hella close seats. But it's a bit awkward. Since le bff got me into her. And I tend to not like country. Oh jeez. Awkward concert time. I can go to a big punk show, and be fine, but throw me in a country concert, and there I am, all awkward. Maybe I'll randomly scream Yee-HA! and make people awkward. Actually, I think I might do that. But I want my bff to go. Because going to concerts alone is just plain boring. I mean, really. I need people to watch me act all like concert Security.

Hold up. I've got a third person possibility. Kim-a-lim-a-ding-dong! I don't know why I made that so long. And by golly, she likes country! Oh man. I might be getting on somewhere.

I loved how I thought I was gonna be in Hazleton when S told me the dates. Then I went, oh shit! Ah, UP. How I love thee

Here's To The Hat, Bitches!!!!

Tada!!!!!


It's the hat seen round the world!

By Miss Aretha.




ONTD has become infested with these hats. And I find it AWESOME.

Wanna know how awesome? I'll show you some of my favorites. :D

Hat on a barn.Andy is really excited about the hat-age.The Golden Girls color theirs up.Jim doesn't quite understand why a hat has been placed on him.....But realizes it's goes great with his Dwight outfit.Tobias loves wearing his hat when doing photoshoots.
No one knew how Edward could dazzle more, until now.Even Kevin's ass has a hat.Charlton is a STUD.Franklin loves his puppet size hat.Come on, Kellan sports it with his ducky.
Last but not least at all, my icon of Joe and the sexy hat.Also, cat with spaghetti and hat. =D

I really need to stop this.....

But Not Yet!!!! I wear that hat well. =]

I Feel Like Randomly Do This

Demi Lovato always signs her name demiiiiiii.




So I wanna sign my name like that.


Aliiiii


It just doesn't look at good. But it's almost like how my nephew says my name: "Ah!-lee." :D

I'm Sorta Good At Art?

I kinda am. And it truly shocks me. Like, comparing my work to others, I'm not the best, but I ain't the worst! =] Maybe I'll take pictures of my amazing art...which reminds me I need to go put fixative on them....excuse me while I go smoke up some fumes in the bathroom.

Failbook

Someone named it that, not me. But it really is a Failbook, not Facebook. Because those Mother chuckers disabled my fucking Facebook! AAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!@!! Do you know how pissed I am? I mean, really! And the fuckers wont respond to me. BASTARDS.

Confession

Hi my name is Ali and when I work out on a treadmill, I like to listen to Lady Gaga and pretend I'm strutting down a runway.

That is all.

Paramore and No Doubt? YES PLEASE!

Let's tally another concert I will most certainly be going to this summer. I better start saving my money now. This is gonna be incredible.asldfjas;dlkfjasdl;fjasdl;fkjasdkl;efjsdco I cannot contain my excitement!!!

Beatles + Jonas = A Happy Ali

"He said the Fab Four's 1964 big-screen romp, "A Hard Day's Night," was "very much a template," as was their 1965 follow-up, "Help!" Another inspiration was the Monkees, who spawned a short-lived series in the mid-1960s, delirious fans and a succession of hit singles."


sdlkfjaslkdjfklsjdlfkjasldflaskfjlasdfkj. I don't give a fuck about the Monkees really, because to me, they were fake. But seriously, A Hard Day's Night and Help are AMAZING. I can watch them whenever, no lie. I watched aHDN like, every day for a week. I might just watch them later. If that was their template, I am SOLD. Very sold. As in, I'll promote it.

Jonas Fans Really Terrify Me

I mean, seriously. They do. I am sitting in a live chat room for the JB live chat. People are going nuts over a paper. A PIECE OF FUCKING PAPER. It's ridiculous. And sad.

I hate jonas fans.

My Name's Brianna

According to my history teacher. And he didn't even give me a chance to correct him. He'd be like, "So, Brianna, you like cats because..." and I just kinda looked around awkwardly. Yes, we were talking about if we'd preferred cats or dogs. He went, do you have a cat who greets you when you get home? And I nodded. He goes, "Well, Brianna, you're one lucky cat owner." I mean, yes I am a lucky cat owner, but my name isn't Brianna. Do I look Brianna? Tuesday morning I need to correct him. Seriously, he said it like, five times. And never gave me one chance to correct him.

So hi, my name's Brianna, nice to meet you all.

What Do I Want?

A pair of Supergas. Is that weird? They're so cute. I really want a pair. Gosh, I need to stop looking at shoes.

Dear CB,

So tell me: What changed? Where did this distance go? We're closer than ever, and I can't get a sentence.




Sincerely,
Song Writing Will Heal This

TAYLOR SWIFT IS DEAD!!! OMG gasp!

Yep, see it right there? Snap.



Wow, if you fell for that, shame on you. dummies.

See, there she is "dying." She's a cutie as a brunette.