An Open Letter to Prayers

Dear Prayers,


Oh. Em. Gee. You totally answered me!!!!!

THANKS!

Sincerely,

A Curly Haired lover.

Dear CB,

So tell me: What changed? Where did this distance go? We're closer than ever, and I can't get a sentence.




Sincerely,
Song Writing Will Heal This

I Love You, Taylor Swift, But...

Dear Taylor Swift,

Okay. Let's get some things straight. I'm a big fan. I also love the Jonas Brothers. Your new single is "White Horse," not "Forever & Always." Okay, it's a great song, I will admit it. I have the chords bookmarked on my computer. But seriously, why is it that every damn tv appearance you do, you have to sing the song? I thought you were over Joe. Seriously. Stop. You've fucked him up bad. You can see he's depressed and shit. Seriously. I thought you let this go. Stop. The boy has gotten enough shit from you on this. Just seriously.

Oh and get new backup players. Your one bass player and guitar player are really fucking annoying. You aren't death metal. Neither are they.

Loved your Annie impression,
Ali

Dear Undisclosed Bitch

Dear Undisclosed Bitch,

Thought I'd write this. I'm not really angry at you. Just kinda, observing things. You know, this time last year, we were going to the mall a bunch and having a good time. I thought it would only get better than that. Yeah, it didn't. Somewhere along the long, you stopped talking to me, and then the summer hit. Nothing huh? Yeah, that happens over the summer. But I thought at least with you near me this year, we'd be better. Just a little bit. I see less of you now. Three steps. You don't even acknowledge me if I'm around. i got replaced real fast. I really trusted you, you know? Like, I told you things I didn't tell other people. We got each other birthday and Christmas presents. And this year? You didn't even wish me a happy fucking birthday. I mean, fuck. Is it that fucking hard? To write a few measly letters on a facebook wall? Really, now. And I even saw you! I think you saw me. I don't know. But we're down to the point you don't even acknowledge I exist. Goddamn. I know we weren't really great friends, but it just feels like the biggest snub I've ever seen. I sound like the one girl in Mean Girls, but I wish we could go back to being friends and all that stuff, because I never thought I'd really miss it. I'm not saying this is your fault, but I spend all this time in my room, and it's not bad anymore with my roommate, but, it used to be we were this trio. But I got replaced a few times over. It sucks.

Sincerely

An afterthought.

That's Enough, Jessica Alba(Part 3)

Dear Jessica Alba,

Haven't I told you this enough times??? Stop trying. Seriously. Take your baby and your baby daddy and just, get the fuck out of LA or anywhere a camera will find you. I mean, seriously, you can't act, you're not cool, and this dress? What, did you want to wear a blimp? I mean, fuck. Your whole outfit equals Fail. Just, go away. Please? I'll pay you.


Sincerely,

Eyes Burnt Out

Once Again, They're Teasing Me

Son of a bitch. Damn you Nick Jonas!!! I want that goddamn guitar.




By the way, I really loved their performance. Just saying. Haters to the left.

Where the fuck did the hair come from?

Jake T. Austin, you fug'ed yourself up. Cut your hair. And if you run into Jason Segel, tell him the same.

That's Enough, Jessica Alba(Part 2)

Dear Jessica Alba,

Please stop acting. It hurts. You're painful to watch. You really are. So stop while some people can still get away from you. PLEASE. I'm begging. Just go back to your baby, and live a normal life. Enough with the crap acting.

Sincerely,

Forced to watch The Love Guru

Dear...

Estimado El Tercer Amigo,

Usted me duele más que usted sabe.

Sinceramente,
Era UN Tercer Amigo

Ali Lohan, You Cannot Act

Dear Ali Lohan,

Just because your sister can act doesn't mean you can. Because you suck. And I'm not saying that just because I hate you, because I do. But I spent two hours watching Mostly Ghostly, the movie with you, Madison Pettis, Miley's little sister, some big nerd, the red headed bully from Everyone Hates Chris, and the cruelly cute short kid from Minutemen(he's 13, wtf? Why do I find him cute? I am robbing the cradle, damnit). Anyways, all these kids could act. You couldn't. I mean, I know I could act better than you. You were supposed to play the super cute(which already is like, a massive stretch for you) dumb girl. I mean, sure, anyone can memorize lines, but you have to put some emotion in them. Like, you did nothing. You read lines. It was really pathetic. I mean, come on, Noah Cyrus can act better than you. She's like, 8. Not even. And she is ten times better than you. No, twenty times better.

So please stop while other people haven't been subjected to your bad ass acting. PLEASE.

BTW, that movie was really confusing. And I did waste two hours to watch it, just to be completely distracted at the end. I will never know how those kids became ghosts. I'd really like to know. Oh well. It was a cute movie.

Oh yeah, props to David DeLuise! He truly is a highlight in my Disney days. :)

And if anyone wonders why I watched the bad movie, I had a horrible stomach and really was too lazy to change the channel. Damn you fire balls. DAMN YOU.


So Ali Lohan, have you stopped acting? I better not see anything upcoming on your imdb list!!!

...

One movie. Troll. Very accurate for you.

Sincerely,

Used to be a huge fan of Lindsay Lohan, and now a big fan of David DeLuise.

That's Enough, Jessica Alba

Dear Jessica Alba,


Recently, you did that whole bondage picture? Yeah....And now you're all Hannibal Lector? Okay, seriously, do you enjoy putting those creepy images in people's minds? Every rapist and fan of you probably enjoyed seeing you tied up(I no doubt think you also liked that) but now I must be tortured with the thought of you eating my brains. I mean, I need my brains so that way, I don't go see any of your crappy movies. And I'm sorry, but you're scarier than Anthony Hopkins, no lie. You kill every film you're in, and now you're moving onto people? Wonderful.

Sincerely,

I'll keep my brains, thanks. And my money.


P.S. You're a fucking creeper. Get off my computer screen.

Gayken's Out

We knew Clay, We. All. Knew.

Jessica Walter is BOSS

And if you don't know of her, GTFO. No really, I want no part in you. Because this lady is like, 60, maybe 70, and she's stealing scenes left and right.

Example One: Arrested Development. As Lucille(loose seal!) Bluth, she was hilarious. Like, that show was comedy gold. I miss that show a lot. McCera, get your ass in for the movie. You've been warned.

Example Two: 90210. Like, Ms. Walters has got the drunk grandma thing down pat. Damn, those people at the new 90210 really can't stand up to her. Like, they could think she's like, just a background character, but every scene she is in, perfection. Gold Star.

Really, I wanna meet this lady. And tell her that she is fucking amazing. I bet she would love the compliment. Life Dream like, 2 million.

Kevin, Stop It

Dear Kevin Jonas,


So first off, you're really fucking hot. So that's why I first want to jump you. Then, you play guitars, and pick really awesome looking ones. So once again, I want you. And then, this:





What the fuck, Kevin? Do you want me to die??? I mean, goddamn it! You KNOW how sexy Lamborghinis are!!! It's my brother's favorite car(or used to be...according to the bridal shower, it's something lame) and man, they are always hot. Damn you Kevin. DAMN YOU. How the fuck am I supposed to hold myself back? I wanna fly to LA and rape you. And I'm saying that in a nice way....;)

Sincerely,

*smiles*

WTF, LC?

Um, wtf? A book. Puh-lease. You can't write three books. You can barely "design" clothes.

How about you go back to your fake show, with your fake job.

Leave the actual writing to REAL writers.

This is why writers struggle, bitch. I could write that same premise SOOOO much better.

And I liked the Hills.

Bitches are so fake it makes me throw up.

Excuse me while I go vomit.

No, Girls Next Door, NOOOO!!!!!

I have just heard some devestating news. Like, seriously, I'm pretty damn depressed about this.


Holly and Hef are over. And Bridget and Kendra are leaving the mansion.


It's like learning your psychotic awesome neighbors are breaking up. Why, Hef, why? I'm sure he did nothing wrong; he is p-i-m-p. But like, Holly? Come on. That chick loved the medicine bottles of Viagra he took. I didn't think she would ever leave him. She loooooved him. She wanted to get married and have kids. Maybe she got fed up? Either way, it's pretty sad.

And then Kendra and Bridget are leaving. I loved those girls! Even Kendra, whose laugh was annoying as shit. Like, I'm betting E! will have Hef(and Hef sure as hell won't be girl-less for more than a minute) have some new girlfriends, and they'll continue the show, but I just don't think it will be as awesome as the first five seasons. Bah. I'm sad. :(

D:

Why So Serious??

No really, Nick, why so fucking serious? Could you like, smile for once? I'm sick of this no smile emo crap. FUCKING SMILE! You're dating this hot chick, have the Number One album in the country, just finished a fucking like, sold out tour. WHY ARENT YOU FUCKING HAPPY???




Seriously, for once, can you please smile? I will start doing this to every photo of you.

So We Can All Giggle A Bit

Teehee.....I thought this needed to be seen. OH George Michael.



Oh and note? McCera, don't you dare not want the AD movie to happen. I'll have to grab you and rape you. :l

Tell Me Something I Don't Understand: Selena's Song

Dear Selena,

So. We have a lot of things we gotta talk about here. I've been having some beefs with you lately. So let's get down to business, shall we?

First off, I really hate that your singing is bunched in with Miley Cyrus' and Demi's. Okay, so you can sorta sing. I can too. But I mean, when I listen to Demi or Miley, I can actually hear how awesome they are. You on the other hand, are way too computerized. It bothers me. It really does. I mean, who told you you could sing? I sure as hell didn't.

Speaking of singing, wtf is up with your song? Seriously, tell me what it is about. I dare you. Because I cannot make sense of the damn song. Is it about being famous? Or some stupid guy? Please tell me. Because I just can't figure out what the fuck it's about. It's catchy as hell, but it makes no sense.

Another thing: you're not rock and roll. Like, is your name Hayley Williams? No. Stop attempting. I mean, I know I'm not, and I don't claim to be. I just try to be myself. Like, don't take this the wrong way, because I love your style, but sometimes you just try too hard. There's so many photos of you doing these rock and roll things, and question(I totally Shrute'd that): can you play an instrument? I'm not sure you can. Just be your goddamn self. Sometimes I wonder how you and Demi are such close friends. She's pretty true to herself, and has been through the rough times. She doesn't hide from herself anymore. You, my dear, are simply a poser.

Oh yeah, and wtf is up with you and Nick Jonas? I know you're not dating him. You're dating your onscreen brother, or cousin. I'm pretty sure there's some incest going on in your family. Sorry. Shouldn't you be pregnant by now? Your mom was. I mean, don't you dare still that Mop Top Cutie's virginity and get your eggo preggo. Because if you do, I'm pretty sure every teenage girl will hunt you down. I would.

Overall, recently you've just been bothering the shit out of me. Don't get me wrong, you probably are a really sweet and cool girl, but I just feel like Demi is simply more real than you, hell, even Miley is more real than you. Idk.

Sincerely,

The girl in the sorta empty NYC bus that screamed "Selena" really loud at the thought of seeing you. Now, not so much.

P.S. Give back Nick's shirt, or tell me where you got it. I want it.

P.P.S. Who's the happy creeper in that pic?

Stop Fucking Torturing Me

Dear Demi,


Please just tell me where you got this vest. I want it. Like, stop wearing it and teasing me. Please Please PLEASE! I want it badly. And I will not rest until I have it. Demi, I'm serious. Tell me now, or....I won't buy your cd early!!!!






Okay, no, I'm def buying it early. Ha, I got a little crazy there. Just please say where you got it!

Sincerely,

Vest Wanter