Music...Just, Music

This blog is like, a week overdue. I mean, I wrote it way too long ago. Anyways, without further ado....

Me and my dad were watching this history of rock and roll, and I mean, I've known these simple facts about me and music, but it really hit me then. You can take away my computer(which has already happened), you can take away my cell phone(close to losing, thank you very much), you can take away my television(also gone as of now), but you cannot take away my ipod, because I will die. In reality, it's just another technological device. But to me, it's practically my gateway to freedom. That's how much I rely on music. I grew up playing music, but I stopped. Seriously, I really have started to think that music will be my future. I mean, of course I write, but I can combine the two. I love all the aspects of music. Writing, playing(yes, I need to learn, but I'm sure I would love it), singing. I'm not sure about performing, but I mean, I ham it up in front of a camera, what's the difference? I'd learn to love it.

I just don't want to be the person who never gave it a shot. I look at the people on my walls, like Demi Lovato, the Beatles, Coldplay, the Jonas Brothers, and they are living this increduous life. I mean, when I think about it, I wonder if I could perform like Kevin, Nick, and Joe. They're running around like crazy. Naturally, I'd have to work out, work on that. But could I do that? Could anyone reading this see me like that? I've always wondered. Really. What do you see me as? Because my late teen crisis has been in full swing for too long. I want something amazing out of life. Could I pull off a musician's life? Can I even pull out a magazine editor out of me(no lie, 13 Going on 30 and Devil Wears Prada made me see magazine editting as even more enticing)? Or am I going to become like Emily Dickinson, and be in solitude for the rest of my life, writing omnious poems that will get recognition after I pass? I truly wonder about these things.

But, back to music; it's become one of my only constants in my life. It's always there, one song somewhere describing my life. I love to put lyrics to coincide with my writing. Avril Lavigne's "Slipped Away" saved me when my Pop-Pop passed. Recently, when I felt so lost(btw, I believe crisis absolved), Patrick Park's "Life's A Song" was my everything. Music is my entirity.

If I ever attempted to write a song, more than one, and go to California, New York, wherever musicians go to get big, I'd be terrified to fail. Too terrified to try. I think that terror is what holds me back in life. I'm so scared to fall, so why bother? I know the ending. There's safety down below. Maybe that's why I want to go into event planning; it's my backup. Less touch and go. With writing and music, there's so much failure. And that scares me. I can't take failure well. I mean I know my voice isn't great(maybe not even good, tell me and I'll shut up, I promise) so would anyone ever want to listen to me?

Ugh, this has become one of my usual "I'm confused as hell, someone help me" blogs. I write too much that no one would want to read. Sorry for putting you through it. I just had to go out and say how much my life clings to music. I'll probably never have a music career. I'll probably never try. I'll probably always be the constant listener. There's always room for appreciation, I guess.
I think the worst part though, is that I can't tell if I'm okay with that or not.