Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Maybe Life's A Song...

But I'm scared to sing along.

Yep, that's it.Patrick Park has got it right. Life should be this great time. And even when the bad times come, it's still supposed to be okay, because you know it will get right.

At this point, I'm not so sure. I mean, yeah, people go through bad times. But sometimes I wonder, if it ever does get better. And I know this will get depressing. But honestly, I'm sick of hiding myself. Every single person sees me as happy, energetic, obsessive, fine in my own skin. Farthest from the truth. And lately, it really feels like I won't get out. I seem to be falling down this cliff, and I see all these rocks that I could grab onto, but I can't. Or maybe I won't. I'm not the person to go out and be like, look, this is what I want. Do you want to join me? No, I'm the one who has a million wishes, and tells no one it. I never get to the point. I just mumble, "it's nothing" when it really is something. Life is sucking lately, and not because of all the economy shit(which, trust me, is a problem that I hear in my household) but it's a crappy time because I feel like I've lost all grips on my life. I no longer want to do things. I sit in my room, blog stupid things, when really, I'm being eaten inside by myself. I no longer have friends. The two I do still claim as close friends are far away. And anyone that lives close to me that I once considered a friend...well, they're acquaintances. I am awkward around them. I'm no longer myself. I no longer have the desire to go out, anywhere, just to talk to people. It's gone. Because there's no one to go to. I'm falling in this crappy rut at school, and I refused to let people know what was bothering me. I was supposed to be this happy person, and really, I'm miserable. I want to through everything around and cry. And some days, when I think about the future, there's nothing there. I think that's what is scary. There are no plans. I can't see myself in the next few months. I don't see myself living on my own with friends at University Park. The best I see is myself, living in a dorm. Miserable.

And that's where I am right now. Not much change for the better, eh? I can only give people so many hints that I'm losing my mind before it's lost completely.

Oh wait. It already is.

Oh, tell me what good is saying that you're free
In a dark and storming sea
You're chained to your history, you're surely sinking fast
You say that you know that the good Lord's in control
He's gonna bless and keep your tired and oh so restless soul
But at the end of the day when every price has been paid
You're gonna rise and sit beside him on some old seat of gold
And won't you tell me why you live like you're afraid to die
You'll die like you're afraid to go

1 comment:

Sam said...

Alexis seriously you can call me whenever you need to talk.
I will always be here for you.
Also this is obviously a call that we are in desperate need of a hangout this weekend.
sooo which day will it be? Sunday or Saturday? this way i know when to do my homework :)
and understand everything you wrote about
and love you lots <3
~I'll be your crying shoulder~